I Know Life Isn’t Easy

I’m writing this piece to try and bring light to those of us who struggle with those all-too-familiar vortexes of pain and anxiety within the psyche in everyday life.

I, myself, have been plagued with that pin straight line of a mouth since I was about nine years old. I never smiled in any pictures. They always told me I was a very serious child(and I’m even more “serious” now, haha). It pained me to feign emotion. I always seemed to be trapped within my little bubble of terrors, no matter what was going on around me.

Growing up, they tell you to be strong and to get over it(ESPECIALLY for young men). You’re told your problems don’t matter. You are made to feel like you don’t matter. It’s almost as if you’re dirt constantly being swept under the rug, where no true efforts are ever made to cleanse you.

I know counseling, for a large majority of people, never truly heals either. To many, it all seems like a big scheme anyway.

Having family and friends tell you things will get better never truly cleanses the infected wounds encompassing your heart. If anything, it does nothing put reiterate that you just must “keep moving along”, and be brushed under the rug.

I’m writing this to tell you that no matter how much support you get from your family, co-workers, school, peers…it never truly heals.

NO ONE knows what it takes to be truly happy, because the definition is different in every single person’s little Webster dictionary copy.

Everyone is searching, exploring, and on this journey of life TOGETHER.

We all make mistakes, and we are able to reconcile these through the ones we have wronged.

My journey towards happiness is still well on its way. There are setbacks, and some that seem to occur in multitudes on just a single day.

The beauty of being given a chance at life… is that the world doesn’t even “need” you.

No. It doesn’t. You heard that right.

You were chosen, miraculously, you were given a chance to live. You were given parents, and a beginning.

The rest is up to you.

Despite what I’ve said about the world not needing you…once you accept this, you begin to embrace the remarkable fact that we WANT you here.

I want you here. I can learn something from you. You can inspire people. You can change the world, one friendship, or one kind word at a time.

I love you, and everything that is you. Isn’t that crazy? That a friend, family member, a stranger even, actually CARES that you are on this earth and continues, everyday, to care, and wish you all of the joy and happiness in the world.

I will just say this final thing: I know that reaching out for help can sometimes be extremely terrifying. You’re afraid of rejection, or the same old “brushed under the rug” feeling.

Well, I am here to say, that no matter our past–I AM HERE. I know that sometimes all we need is a few genuinely encouraging words or advice from a friend to completely change life’s course.

Do not hesitate to reach out to me in a time of need, however big or small. I am here to help you.

I have walked down many roads, with not a single person by my side to guide me through the darkness. I know how it feels. I know.

Stay strong my brothers and sisters, and as always, thank you for reading.

Update: I’m Back!

A lot has happened to me since my last update.

In the spring, I attempted college again at a local university so that I could commute from home(the drive being a mere thirty minutes). I made this decision based on a mixture of excitement, fear, and a drive to “be happy and successful someday”, as they say. The most prominent feeling I had in trying college a second time though was that of ease, to say the least. I carpooled with friends in the beginning, and eventually would call off sick almost every day of the week. I felt tired all of the time. Nothing could motivate me to go out that door. Nothing.

I relaxed for a while in this time. I was in my own safe place again, and didn’t really want to leave for anything. I was having relationship troubles as well, which added to the horrid slump I seemed to be. After having missed so much school, and having no true intentions of going back within the confines of that place any time soon, I decided, yet again, I was going to drop out.

My heart wasn’t in it at all. I was tired of everyone telling me that I HAD to do this or I would never make anything of myself, that I would never be fulfilled.

If you aren’t motivated at all, then it is not time to pursue an education, right?

I’ve moved on from that chapter of my life for now.

So far, I haven’t let this “failure” stop me from being happy, and continuing to learn to love myself, as most people struggle with in their lives.

I’ve been working, writing, and doing anything that I can to enrich my mind.

As far as my journaling goes, it seems that I’ve been doing nothing but nonstop “pre-writing”. I’m constantly jotting down ideas in my notes: business ideas, inventions, political thoughts, personal feelings, etc. For the most part, all of this writing has been done on paper, so I haven’t gotten around to posting anything lately. I plan on becoming more regular with these posts though very soon.

Overall, I’ve been feeling very content. With all of the turmoil encompassing the world around us, I still see every passing sky a little bluer than the last. I’m thankful for the love and friendship that I do have in my life. I recognize that all of the experiences I’ve ever had, and ever will have, are both unavoidable and important to this current second I’m existing in. I feel that this is the only way to truly be happy with yourself and your life. If you believe every obstacle is necessary, you will undoubtedly overcome every one with strength.

Once you find this confidence, that no matter what happens you’ll find peace, everything in life becomes a lot easier. You live by your own standards: those of beauty, spirituality, fulfillment, etc. You don’t sweat the small stuff, at all. You owe no explanation to anyone on your happiness. You are free to dream, free to speak, and free to live. You know that overall, you are a good person, who is worthy of all of the love, respect, and happiness in the world. I’ve learned to ultimately be giving of myself, in all ways. If you begin to live for only those around you, your entire perspective changes.

There will be many more posts to come as the fall season quickly approaches. I look forward to hearing feedback from you all again, and getting to share more of myself every day to hopefully change a few minds out there.

As always, thanks for reading!

Painting Again

  
 Solitude 8 x 10 oil on canvas 

With the opening of my store on etsy, I’ve really been trying to get back into making more expressive artwork. This piece featured is the first one I’ve done for the shop specifically. It is entitled “Solitude”. 

This is an abstract piece. To me, it is what it feels like, looks like, to freely “be” when you are in solitude. I used cooler colors, greens and blues, to show that there is a clear calm that washes over one when they are alone with their thoughts. The colors blend together, and become lighter in the middle, protecting possibly this white-hot core inside of me, unable to be reached by anyone but the spiral master who keeps this madness swirling, moving, and ever-changing with that breath of life. We are born alone, live alone, and die alone. The fulfillment we may find on this solitary journey through our minds will be the only thing that can last…Breathe in that calm, embrace, and you can withstand  this hurricane inside of yourself. 
Much love, 

Britt 

My Etsy Store

Hello Followers! 

I recently opened up an etsy store, “The Makeshift Market”, to finally put my craftiness to good use. I am going to be selling handmade jewelry, artwork, and possibly some really cool consignment clothing! 

  
Make sure to follow me on Instagram under “themakeshiftmarket”! Thank you❤️

  Please click the link below to check out my shop so far! 

The Makeshift Market

ATTENTION FOLLOWERS

I’ve been working on turning a lot of my poetry into songs. I have a piano and access to a friend’s guitar on occasion, but can’t read music, so have always just played by ear. The two songs mentioned below, along with all the others, was the one and only recording and performance of that particular song. I ad-libbed with chords, and just read the words I had written. Please like and share.

Check out “Shreds” or “Incision“, which are both comical and heavily emotional to me.

http://inside-outcast.bandcamp.com/releases